Hoarders and the "Only Episode" Law

Around Memorial Day, I found myself sucked in to a "Hoarders" marathon on the television. It was obviously like a train wreck, but my love for the human psyche had me hooked. I was amazed and appalled by the massive amounts of, well, crap (sometimes literally) that people had in their houses.

I think I was enamored because I know I have the potential to hoard. My dad is well known for going to the store and buying three of something because it might come in handy at some point. When I was in junior high school, I kept everything -- every note anyone had ever given me, every card, everything. After I realized this could create a major problem for my organizational obsession, I started throwing things away.

But watching "Hoarders" has made me think about items that I would consider acceptable to hoard versus items that should never, ever be hoarded. I present to you my lists:

Okay to Hoard

• toilet paper
• paper towels
• deodorant
• diapers
• paper plates
• ink pens
• batteries

For the Love of God and All Things Holy, Do Not Hoard

• living animals
• dead animals
• teeth
• perishable food items
• socks
  
• underwear that no longer fits
• toenails
• cats -- I know that the fall under one or two categories listed above, but I felt like they needed special recognition

So that day I had managed to randomly stumble upon "Hoarders." The only shows that I watch regularly are: The Office, Desperate Housewives, Big Brother, House and Parenthood. All other shows are shows that I may randomly find on TV when I'm bored. However, I have discovered what I will refer to as the Only Episode Law.

The Only Episode Law states that "a person who views a show randomly and then happens to view that same show again randomly on a different day and different time, will inevitably wind up watching the exact same SINGULAR episode of that show they have ever watched."

This happens to me all the time. How is it that we have over 200 channels and I end up watching the same five episodes of shows? In the last two weeks, this has happened to me at least three times. The worst part of the law is that "the viewer most likely has several shows left to watch in the DVR but still chooses to watch the one horrible episode instead."

Assigned seats, weedeater and pirates...

Someone had asked me to bring this post back and to start posting stick pictures that people have been sending me, so, here it is! Sticks at the doctor's office. I present to you eastern Kentucky sticks, complete with the "Friends of Coal" sticker. **Please note: the author actually considers herself a "Friend of Coal" but has to point out the positive correlation between the FOC sticker and sticks.


This car also sported another nifty feature -- assigned seats. Please note the names listed on the windows. I am a lover of routine. When I was in college, I always sat in the same seat. This approach here will help you make sure no one ever takes your seat in the car. Did you forget if you were the driver or the passenger? No problem with that here. Chandra is clearly the driver. She won't have to stop and hesitate before she gets in the car, wondering where to sit.

But I wonder, what happens if Chandra gets sick. Would her husband be allowed to drive her car? Would they have to scratch the name off? What if her daughter brought a friend home from school. Where would she sit?




If I were to get sticks for my car, they would look a little something like this...
I have definitely decided that I would opt for the weedeater, though the ninja or pirate options were both appealing to me. I have no clue how people make that oh-so-important final decision. Justin says that I don't weedeat enough to use the decal above. I guess I would opt for "ninja."

Speaking of ninjas, err, pirates... Where does a pirate go to wash his car? The Arrrrrrr wash!

The Root of the Problem

There once lived a little girl who loved, loved, LOVED her teeth. She enjoyed going to the dentist and didn't even mind having braces. She even thought, "Oh, how I would someday love to be an orthodontist and help make everyone's smiles oh-so-lovely! Surely this most be the most perfect job for me!"

Then one day the princess had her wisdom teeth extracted. All four. All at the same time. Did the princess mention they were all in her gums sideways? Nitrous oxide made the girl feel like she was in a very odd episode of "Mad About You" in which all of the sounds in the room worked together, quite dramatically, to set the score for the show. She drifted off to sleep only to suddenly awaken to see aliens standing in front of her, holding a bloody tooth. "You doooooooin' allllllllright?" the alien asked. The princess fell back asleep, only to have nightmares about the alien and the bloody tooth.

A short time passed and the princess needed to have a cavity filled. The bloody tooth image briefly flashed before her, only to be replaced by the thoughts of her love for the dentist. The cavity was filled, but something wasn't right.

Turns out, the princess needed a root canal. At this point, the princess is beginning to question her love for the dentist. Why, why would the dentist betray me so? During the root canal, the princess was in immense pain. The dentist, who clearly was no prince charming, developed and evil laugh and told the princess that she wasn't experiencing pain, it was only pressure. Then the dentist looked at the x-rays and realized that the princess was indeed in pain and extracted the tooth immediately.

That day the princess decided she would rather have dentures than go through that again, but the dentist refused. The princess went through one more root canal-oops-wait-extraction incident and then huffed and puffed and moved to Minnesota. In Minnesota, the dentist offered to replace the two teeth that had been pulled to which the princess replied, "Heck no. I don't want anymore teeth. Thanksomuchbye."

The princess then decided to floss and use a Sonicare toothbrush to thwart the evil ways of the dentist. She went four very long years without a cavity and then the streak sadly ended. The princess did not live happily ever after and still wants dentures.